As a student of behavioral psychology, I have spent a lot of time learning to understand and capitalize on the behaviors of the people I deal with. One of the tools that has really helped me is learning the subtle cues of when a person is lying to me. It has served me well in business, life, and especially relationships.
Tell #1: Behavioral Pause or Delay
This one seems so obvious, but I had to really focus on it to use it to full effect. The pause or delay. It’s pretty simple; you ask the girl a question and initially get no response. After the delay, she responds with her story. Does that delay prove she is lying? Not by itself. But it can be an indicator.
So if you ask a girl a question that she has to think about and she delays, it can just be part of the normal memory process. For example, if you ask her what color shirt she wore on her first date, she will likely pause as she thinks about it. This is normal.
But if she pauses on something she should know the answer to, it is a sign of deception. This pause is her deciding to tell the truth, or to create a plausible cover story.
“Did you sleep with my best friend Tom?” – A pause from her here is a very high sign of deception. She is likely telling herself, “I can say “No” since we technically didn’t sleep”…
If you want to get a taste of what this looks like ask a friend a preposterous question –one you expect they will respond negatively to.
For example, “Have you ever killed another person?” – The response from most people will be an immediate “No”. There will be no delay or pause.
If you really want to get good at seeing the delay, ask questions they may lie to you about. “Have you ever lied to a guy to get what you want?” Most girls delay with this question.
Throat clearing and swallowing before the answer is another form of the delay. It is a physical action to cover they pause or delay.
Tell 2: Verbal/Non-verbal Disconnect
Have you ever said “yes” while shaking your head “no”? Or said “no” while shaking your head “yes”. This is a type of pattern disconnect that is also a good tell on liars. It is extremely difficult to make yourself do this smoothly. The brain/body connection wants to keep you in harmony, so that if you say “yes” you naturally nod your head in agreement.
However, someone that is lying may nod yes (which is what the feel) while they say no. This little disconnect is the tell that they are being deceptive. It is not 100% accurate, but it is very close. Especially if they are telling a story while affirming the exact opposite with the head nod.
Tell 3: Covering the Mouth or Eyes
This is an almost uncontrollable response that non-pathological liars have to lying. They will instinctively cover their mouth while speaking the lie. Hiding their mouth is the subtle tell that they are being deceptive.
The same is true if she “shields” her eyes from seeing your reaction to her lie. Most people just cannot handle the intensity of moment, so they will try to lesson they stress they feel by covering up.
Watch for someone covering their mouth with their hands or avoiding eye contact as they speak because this sign is a sure way to detect lying body language. I have found this especially true in children lying – they have the hardest time looking at you in the eyes.
Tell 4: Inconsistent Timelines & Stories
If I am really interested in knowing how honest a girl is being with me, I pay attention to the timeline. It can be as simple as the times they said they left work to when she broke up with her ex (about 2 weeks after you started dating).
The key is not to point out the inconsistent timeline until she has provided you with all of the details. If she doesn’t know you are making mental notes, and she has not had a long time to plan her lies, the timeline will be a mess.
The most common inconsistencies girls have told me revolved around when they left, who was there and what they did. If you don’t immediately get mad at her and let her explain why she is 5 hours late, she will continue to spin a long story with so many holes it will be easy to immediately destroy her yarn.
Tell 5: She Immediately Becomes Angry
This is so common it is funny. Ever been talking with your girl, have her start telling you a story and catch her in an inconsistent moment? You mention this moment and she explodes – that is a typical defense mechanism girl’s employee to manipulate men.
You see, “girls” are typically rewarded for being attractive (which, unfortunately creates an unhealthy and unrealistic addiction to external approval and validation).
This typically teaches a “girl” she can step on the emotions of a “guy”, and usually use this as a way to control and manipulate without being chastised at all (since it doesn’t change how attractive she is). Most men go along with this since most men are with the girl because of her looks anyway.
The typical dynamic between and attractive girl and a man that wants to be with her is him trying to smooth things over and not rock the boat. Since this is the tactic that a solid 90% of the guys default to (at least in the beginning of the relationship) girls are trained to use extreme anger to deflect off of their guilt.
Tell #6: Eye Access Cuing
For a long time now people have understood that how your eyes behave is directly related to how your mind is processing information. This fact has passed into popular sayings like “the eyes are the window of the soul”. For the purpose of Calibration, it is interesting to know that people will look in certain directions consistently in order to access certain types of information. Examine the following diagram:
The diagram above indicates what it means when a normally organized right handed person moves their eyes (as you look at the person). The eye accessing patterns are indicators of what Representational System is being accessed. As with all other generalizations, this one does not hold true for everyone, so test it out and let experience be your guide!
Visual Construct (VC) – the first direction marked indicates that the person is creating visual images. They are imagining something.
Visual Remembered (VR) – looking in this direction indicates that the person is remembering a visual image. So it is something they actually saw once.
Auditory (tonal) Construct (AC) – this direction indicates that a sound is being imagined. For example how two instruments might sound played together.
Auditory (tonal) Remembered (AR) – looking to the side horizontally like this indicates the person is recalling the sound of something they previously heard.
Kinesthetic (K) – looking down in this direction implies the person is getting in touch with a feeling (either physical sensation or an emotional interpretation).
Auditory Digital (Ad) – this direction suggests the person is listening to internal dialogue – i.e. he is talking to himself!
Forward De-focused – sometimes people will simply stare straight ahead and defocus their eyes and/or dilate their pupils. This is a sign that they are accessing information in any of the Representational Systems, though it would most typically be the visual system that is accessed in this way.
Eye Accessing Elicitation Questions
To verify how the individual’s eye accessing patterns are organized, simply ask them questions that require information from a specific Representational System and observe where their eyes go to answer the question. Try these sample questions to understand their representational system. Then make up your own questions following the same structure.
Visual Construct (VC)
What would a Tiger with a Giraffe’s head look like?
What would you look like with short/long/purple hair?
What would your house look like covered in pink fur?
Visual Remembered (VR)
What does your living room look like?
Does your father have a beard?
What room is the largest mirror in your house in?
Auditory (tonal) Construct (AC)
What would a whisper sound like in space?
What would an elephant trumpeting “God Save the Queen” sound like?
What would a choirboy sound like singing AC/DC’s greatest hits?
Auditory (tonal) Remembered (AR)
Listen to your favorite song in your mind.
Which door slams more loudly your bedroom door or the kitchen door?
Just hum your national anthem for a moment.
This is from the NLP Calibration Section. If you pay attention, you can see where her go to answer a question. If she is lying her eyes will go to the Visual Construct or Auditory Construct zone. Sometimes this is hard to see as it happens fast, but it has never been wrong.