It is a pleasure to be able to connect with you. I feel your content is not only one of the most genuine, but there is realness to your advice that only comes from true experience, and you have that.
My question for you is, I am 31 year old man who is desperately trying to kill the nice guy, people pleasing, approval seeking behaviour that I display daily.
I try to be assertive but quickly revert back to being polite, sweet, kind and avoiding of confrontation.
I fucking hate this Alpha. I am sure there are a lot of guys that suffer these traits in silence as well.
What advice would you have to help guys break out of this bullshit super polite nice guy persona?
I need to start grabbing life by the horns and taking charge of where I want to go and who I want to be.
Thank you for any advice!
Your fan always,
I have to tell you, I had a hell of a time overcoming the “nice” dilemma as well. Let me think on this and see what I can put together. I will email you as soon as I have something ready.
I will tell you this, even now, when I feel myself falling back into the “sweet” “nice” or ass kissing routines I grew up on, will questions myself “why?” Am I doing it to be likes, accepted, part of a group…. or do I just have so much more power than those around me I can afford to make their day a little easier.
I also remind myself, daily, “I own this”. To me, that is saying, I own this moment, this day, this week. It’s my life, and not everyone is going to like you… which is good… no one that is considered powerful or great is liked by everyone.
Anyway, let me work on this.
Thank you for your prompt response. I like that art where you said “or do I just have so much more power than those around me I can afford to make their day a little easier.”
That alone is such an important mind shift, thanks for that!.
I am definitely looking forward to seeing what you can put together on his topic.
Best Regards A
I have really thought about this, and I want to give real and effective advice. I know I have been way too nice through my life. I know I am probably still a little too nice, though I don’t do it from a place of weakness any more – like trying to get people to like me. These days I am sometimes nice because it is not worth the effort to try and school some idiot.
Maybe nice is the wrong word… polite? Maybe even calculated. I will tell you I have an issue with my ex right now, and I could legally hammer her. I could verbally destroy her, and I could embarrass the hell out of her at work…. All for $138 bucks. While I do wish this entitled female would just do the right thing, or even what she agreed to… I really don’t want to expend the energy to prove I am right. Which may look like I am too nice, but I am looking at it from a risk/reward – cost/gain analysis. The cost is higher than any potential gain, so let it go.
Ok, back to being nice. The real issue with being nice is the energy we bring to the interaction. Most men that are considered “nice” are giving something (time, money, emotional support, etc.) to gain something – usually favor with a woman. In this scenario, being nice feels “icky” to her. She feels like you are trying to manipulate her into feeling or doing something she currently doesn’t feel or want to do.
That is the wrong kind of nice.
The right kind of nice – like the “I just have so much more power than those around me I can afford to make their day a little easier” view is that of holding the door for the little old lady who is carrying her bags out of the store.
Did you do that to be “nice”?
You did that to be a decent and kind individual. That type of karma and energy is a blessing. You weren’t trying to get anything from her.
Now replace a pretty girl here. If she has her hands full and you can make her day a little easier, go for it. Just don’t expect anything from her – not even a smile.
Personally, I am a kind person – right up till I feel you screwed me over and taken advantage. Then I become a vengeful prick that has to keep my mind in emotional check.
How I Stopped Being So Nice
I got over it using a lot of cocky & funny coupled with a challenging nature. IF you didn’t know it, you can tease the hell out of someone about something real and be seen as a charmer.
And that is still what I do. Even today walking out of the restaurant the hostess was holding the first set of doors. Rather than say “thank you” and compliment her on how cute she was (she was very cute), I started teasing her with a rather exaggerated and mean persona. Something like: “What, you are only going to hold the first set of doors? What about the second? Do girls never do the whole job?”
Nervous smile (as if she thinks I am teasing but is unsure), “Oh, sorry, let me get that…”
As she opens the next door I say, “You know, my car door needs opening too…” with a wink.
She blushed and I asked her name, she asked mine, and we chatted for a moment. She asked me to come back and see her.
Was I nice? No.
Did I tease to get something from her? Not that either.
I teased to not be nice, be seen as wanting and to GIVE her a charge of positive emotions.
So my energy gave to her, rather than taking.
Get Over The People Pleasing
This is the crux of the question. Honestly, I know of only 3 ways to get over being a people pleaser, and you will likely have to do all three.
1) Learn from experience people pleasers get LESS from life.
This takes you being aware you are a people pleaser, then watching how people interact. You will rapidly see that the Alpha man that does not try to please, win, impress or otherwise make the girl like him is loved, while the guy that does all of the sweet, emotional nice things is shunned.
For some people, it is not enough to read it. But if you are open to seeing reality for what it really is, then looking at situations and seeing them for what they are can really make an impression on you.
2) Decide what you want and say “no” to the rest.
Damn this one is a beat down when you are in a relationship, but you have to learn to say no. I have screwed this up so many times it’s not funny. It is probably one of the bigger mistakes that I have made with the ex… giving in to more and more of her whims… which slowly lowers her attraction and increase her expectations.
This takes some mental fortitude, but when you do decide who you are and what path you want to be on, you have to be able to say no. The more I am involved with people, the more I see girls asking men to do things just to see if they will do it.
If it is something you really want to do, then by all means do it. But if you really don’t want to, don’t be afraid to say no. Trust me, you will know those times you should compromise with a long term relationship, but even then, if you stay consistent with what you want, your “no’s” will be the same and she should be aware of that already.
3) Change your mental roadmap.
A lot of times we people pleasers have the mental roadmap that the nicer or “the more we give the more we get” belief system. I am a big believer in subconscious programing to change mental thoughts, but regardless of how you do it you have to change the way you see the world. Your mindset, your view and your expectations. Once these are in alignment with reality, you will not be mean or a people pleaser. You will be the right mix of both though.
Your Energy Is The Key
I think you had the “ah-ha” moment earlier. The key is how YOU feel about the act or niceness. Stop trying to get from it.
The only way you will every change your energy and how others perceive you is to change the mindset behind it. From now on, do whatever you want… but do it because you like it. If over half the people don’t like it or do it, you are probably on the right path.
If it is for you, then it is selfish, and all of that perceived niceness is gone.
I would also still up the challenge, teasing and hard time with women in a fun way. It is sure fire magic to build attraction.